Mother Nature is a Cold Hearted Bitch

Okay, I suppose the title is a bit harsh. After all She creates rainbows. Rainbows and hemorrhoids. Orgasms and earthquakes. And a baby’s laughter and AIDS both result from putting your pee pee in a place that initially seemed inviting.

But I don’t wish to discuss Mother Nature here in her entirety. Let us forget the judicious spin of electrons or the beneficial tidal effects of the moon. Let us instead confine ourselves to biology, to living things and the things Mother Nature seems to command us living things to do – whether we like it or not.

More specifically violence and competition. The distressing thought occurs that Mother Nature’s favorite son might be much closer to Adolph Hitler than to Jimmy Carter. For in nearly every mammalian species – and reptilian as well – Mother Nature insists that males engage is nearly constant, brutal and deadly battle for dominance and the right to spread their seed.

Mother Nature seems to love bad boys.

If we men are indeed put on this planet primarily to battle and to muscle ourselves to the front of the pack by whatever means necessary, might it be some sort of sacrilege to protest or to resist?

Who are we but puny individuals? Who are we to say that Mother Nature is clumsy and primitive and that sharing and universal brotherhood are a much better way generally? For if universal brotherhood were indeed a better way in the long run surely Mother Nature would have discovered that somewhere in the last 3 billion years. But She has not. On the contrary She continues to arrange things, hormones and claws, so that we males continue to invigorate ourselves with blood before we expel semen.

But modern man has attempted to fool Mother Nature. He uses flowers and chocolate and jewelry instead of rape. He uses credit cards and sports cars instead of hand to hand combat or healthy little wars. And worst of all he uses condoms and other forms of birth control in order to have his jollies without issue, thereby short-circuiting totally Mother Nature’s ultimate purpose for creating him!

While Mother Nature intended us males to have sex with as many females as we can gain access to, She never ever intended males to shoot blanks. At least not to deliberately do so.

And for those who maintain we need to get back to nature, to live in pact with nature, I wish to point out that the whole history of humankind has been that of using the artificial to outfox, subdue and civilize nature. We made spears as the artificial extension of fangs. We learned to weave flax and fibers to make clothing, and even the previous wearing of animals skins to ward off the cold was an artificial contrivance to improve on nature. Everything we have and everything we do has been an improvement on the harsh limitations of Mother Nature. Our laws, our countries, our customs, our schools, our hospitals, our taxes. Nearly ever moment of every day is spent countermanding the demands of a cold-hearted Mother Nature.

So if you find yourself condemning Tiger Woods for having sex with dozens of women, praise him for his restraint. For Mother Nature would have allowed and encouraged him – as the leader of the pack – to have sex with many thousands.. as long as he didn’t use a rubber.